Being Aware: Mastering Rejection and Unpacking My Compartments
A couple of months ago, I met up with one of my close friends, like most meetups we had a catch-up session on our lives. While going over what has been going on in our lives over the years, we hit on the importance of being aware. This came about after I explained why I hate certain things when interacting with people at work, at home and socially, which are linked to my past.
So what is being aware? According to Rupert Spira, it means being; “aware of thoughts, feelings, sensations, and perceptions.”
I was entering spaces with childhood traumas I had not resolved. I am not the only one guilty of this as my friend could also relate. After all, we were not raised with the skill of unpacking trauma, conflict, being rejected or solving problems. Yet, I am sure many of us have highlighted on Curriculum Vitae how we are problem solvers — but are you a problem solver??
Growing up, I was told to suck things up; I was too young to be stressed as my mum and my aunties would say. Therefore, I have grown up ensuring I avoid confrontations and conflict with my friends, family and workmates because, at the end of the day, I do not have the skill of conflict resolution because I grew up knowing I just had to suck it up and compartmentalise — which I am an expert. However, one danger of compartmentalising is you eventually blow up at the smallest things. I would escalate minor issues or cut off people because I had not addressed the root cause of the problem. I realised I could not cut off everybody that came into my life.
I had to stop! Because not everybody deserved to be cut off.
I did not seek help, what happened is I stumbled on these two podcasts; Say Your Mind Podcast and Therapy for black girls, listening to these shows made me know I was not alone in this struggle and I had to confront myself and have the — “ So what are we?” discussion.
Say Your Mind podcast helped me unpack through tarot readings that would literally read me and also give me guidance on how to navigate the card picked. Therapy for black girls let me know that it was ok to feel the way I was feeling and that I was not too young to be stressed.
As I have said above, I hate conflict even with myself but this was a conflict I had to address on my own. Therefore, I tried to unpack my triggers, traumas and my toxic traits. I had to feel and evaluate each one of them and being human I did not enjoy being told what was wrong with me especially when I was the one doing it. I tried to highlight my toxic traits and triggers and I intentionally tried to not let them take hostage of me.
I am nowhere close to recovery but I am on the road to recovery. A good example of my journey to recovery is how I handle rejection with so much ease as compared to before. For me, rejection affirmed that I was not wanted, never good enough, I took it to heart, from being rejected twice from my dream university and twice again from my dream job. It would cripple me and make me feel inadequate, to the point I got depression (self-diagnosed). It was one of my lowest points in life, the only comfort that I felt was from darkness and my bed. I survived; when I look back I know I never want to feel like that again. This drives me to be more aware of myself and to navigate life by being more intentional rather than resentful.
I am less hard on myself, and I allow myself to feel what is disturbing me and have mental check-ins with myself so I do not have to offload the weight of my trauma, and misery to known and unknown individuals.
