I was coming out of a contract and the manager at the time advised me to get into writing. I took this as a “ we cannot extend your contract, so let me give you some advice to be nice”. Needless to say, my bruised ego and I did not take the advice. After all, I am not a writer and the thought of me articulating my thoughts to publish online for people to judge, critique or not even read. I was like -
“No thanks!”
I have written before, beyond academic writing, my first piece was a book I wrote about loving mathematics when I was in Class 2, but I never published it and after mathematics started evolving with letters as I went to different classes my love for it died.
My first published article was on the inclusion of the third gender in Kenya which was published on the website of the organisation I was working for at the time. The thrill of it being published was amazing and it was received well when I shared it with my online friends. Writing another piece after my first glory piece was however very painstaking. I had so many thoughts that crippled my creativity, such as:
- Writing about topics that would interest/impress my bosses at the time and not me.
- Overthinking the writing process.
- Writing about things that I did not fully grasp.
- Self-doubt and thinking I was not good enough.
- Seeking validation from my bosses and peers.
- No one is reading or sharing my pieces.
- Overthinking
- Perfectionism.
Therefore, I stuck to writing reports, developing concept notes and taking minutes, pieces that my voice was comfortable with because I did not need to think outside what was needed.
This is not to say, I did not want to write, my insides were screaming for an outlet because I love telling stories, but I kept suppressing them and thinking I was not good enough. I would look at people I admire and tell stories of topics that I would have loved to address either by writing or speaking but I couldn’t feel bad because I had categorised writing to only be; for smart, articulate and academic people.
Then 2019 happened, and the proposition to write again was brought up by my current boss. He challenged me to write every 2 days and publish on medium. I started well and the writing energy was in full effect. However, I was not sharing my work on all my online platforms because I was afraid of being critiqued, judged, ignored or seen in my raw form. On top of this, I was also writing to impress and seek validation. My momentum started to drop I could not keep up with writing after every 2 days and writing to impress — it was draining.
Naturally, I like setting the beat to my tune especially when it comes to my creativity so being confined to “writing every 2 days” made me feel restricted and limited. After all, who was I writing for? — The answer, for now, is ME! and my audience is anyone who will resonate with my pieces.
I know I am not going to stop writing, the outlet of typing my thoughts and my stories to the world is amazing whether my pieces are read or not — It is therapeutic.
……and when people resonate with the stories I share it adds to my drive to keep writing. For example, I wrote about my experience with the speculum and for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who hated the device and that I should keep the pain to myself because this was part of the journey to womanhood. I shared the post and from my comments, I knew I was not the only one who dreaded the device.
Writing is still not easy, and every day I have to fight not being good enough and starting stories that have no endings. Sometimes the endings; will come to me, or the story will hibernate until it is ready to fly. I don’t fight the process I just make good use of my notes application until I am done simmering.
Right now writing is my therapeutic outlet for my experiences as a young African woman who lives in Kenya and the words of Scheaffer Okore keep me going
“ Write and let these things leave you so new things can find you. Write, please.”
She was not speaking to me but I heard her.
